Pregnancy/Infant Loss Rembrance Day

It is another cause, besides preemie awareness, that is close to my heart. It takes a back burner now, I guess because I now have Kyleigh. It's hard to think of pain when I have all this joy of Kyleigh. Why, I wouldn't have her if it weren't for the loss that I had. It's hard for me to imagine being the mother of any child besides Kyleigh. But once, I was.
I was just 8 weeks along, but it felt like an eternity. There was nothing anyone could say to ease the pain of that loss. It was devastating. I felt like a failure for a long time.
It didn't help matters that the guy I was with at the time was more interested in hooking up with his childhood friend (not me this time) to truly be there and understand my loss. It was supposed to be "our" loss, but it never felt that way.
He accused me of being different after the loss. Well how else should I have been? Of course I was different! I was supposed to be a mother, and I was robbed of that opportunity.
I went to a couple of great support group meetings and met some great people. People who were like me. Some who had miscarriages, but others who had lost an infant. It defintely made me think of them last year, when I had my own infant. How scary it was, and still is, to think of her being taken from me.
I felt guilty for awhile, because sometimes when the loss comes back to me, I say " Oh well, you have Kyleigh now." Its always hard to think of being someone else's mom.
Time has definitely taken away the sting of this; but never the sadness of the loss. On Oct 19, (my due date) I would have had a 2 year old. I never forget. In mid March of every year since 2009, I never forget either.
So, please take the time to think of those who have lost an infant or pregnancy today.

Small Things Mean So Much With A Preemie

Yes, I keep harping on the preemie bandwagon.  Some have said to me "Oh come on, she really wasn't that early..." or "In my day, everyone was a preemie..."
To me, it is important.  No one lived through MY experience, not even my husband.
No one knows what it's like for me to replay the whole experience over in my head; to cry when I see other preemies; to shiver when I pass the hospital on the highway.
No one knows how much I felt robbed of much of the pregnancy experience.  Even small things, like making it to 39 weeks or having had my baby in the room with me.  I didn't get any of that.  It wasn't fair.
It was even difficult to me for a very long time to accept that Kyleigh would have a summer birthday, and not the fall birthday I always envisioned.
Today, however, I would like to take the time to write about the smaller things with Kyleigh, and how grateful I am that she continues to meet every milestone like she was supposed to be born August 25 and not October 13.
I am proud of her.
She has done so well at school.  She  is very sociable and happy.  She laughs and babbles non stop.  She sees her friends crawl, then stand, and she is doing the same.
Everyone comments what a great baby she is, and she really is.  She cries when she is hungry or tired, but dammit- so do I.
Every time she reaches a month birthday or gains weight, I rejoice.  Usually on facebook.  I'm very sure there are plenty of people tired about that, but then maybe I am tired of the stuff they post.
I am going to try to blog more often, and maybe save this rejoicing stuff for here.
Kyleigh, you're the best, and I am proud of you.  <3

Our Walk for Preemies on April 30...

We walked for the March of Dimes almost 2 months ago.  It was quite a walk.  It sure put me and Eddie to the test physically.  We could not be any more out of shape than we are right now.  In the past, I’ve been able to walk 5k without difficulty.  Ever since having Kyleigh, however, I have knee and heel problems.

The after effects of the walk were worth it, however.

I wished we had raised more money. I won’t list what I raised here, because it is quite embarrassing.  I heard what other people raised, and our contribution pales in comparison.  I suppose any little bit helps.

That, and the fact that we have friends as poor as we are.  L

It was really interesting reading all of the signs that were posted along the walk.  Some babies born so early and some later than Kyleigh.  Some of the babies were born at the same length of gestation as Kyleigh (33 weeks).  It also amazed me to see some of the birth defects that the babies had.   It especially hit home when I saw the babies with birth defects who were born at 33 weeks gestation.

I’ve often thought that Kyleigh being born 7 weeks early was really no big deal compared to some of those babies.  I also feel at times that I really don’t have a right to be upset, compared to the babies who were born at 30 weeks and under.  But then I remind myself that Kyleigh did spend 20 days in the NICU.  And that we faced just as much an uphill battle with the issues that Kyleigh did have.  I spent 8-9 hours a day, for almost 20 days, at Kyleigh’s bedside.  It seemed to fly by, like a blip on the radar.

We really were fortunate that Kyleigh was so strong during her time in the NICU.  Her feeding was really difficult initially, but we got through it. She has reached pretty much every milestone right on time thus far.  She hasn’t had any Early Intervention; in fact, they saw nothing wrong with her at 2 months old.  As her doctor says “I don’t treat Kyleigh as a preemie because she doesn’t behave as one.”

Of course, there is no telling what kind of effects there will be later.  A lot of preemies have learning disabilities and higher incidences of ADHD.  Only time will tell.  But, at least with my background as an educator, we will catch things quickly.

During our brief stay in the NICU, we really didn’t bond with many people.  Most people stayed in their rooms and kept to themselves.  We did have good relationships with the nurses.  I always felt, however, like an outsider, since Kyleigh was doing well and was facing a much briefer stay than others.  We did get friendly with our neighbors across the hall.  Eddie was friendlier with them than I; the wife always seemed very guarded.  I just attributed it to the stress that we were all under.

Their son had been a micro preemie- born 3 months or so before his due date.  He had already spent over 3 months there.  He had a setback before Kyleigh was released.  He had an intestinal issue and needed to stay.  They were really upset, and understandably so.  We tried to be quiet and considerate the day that Kyleigh was released, but it was hard to keep from being excited.

On the walk, we saw this couple.  We thought it would be a great idea to say hi.  I’d always wondered how they were doing; and regretted not keeping in touch.  They had a team of maybe 12-15 to support them.  It was a little disappointing to me that we did not; almost heart breaking.  Kyleigh had been through a lot too, and I considered it disrespectful that my family/friends did not see that.

Anyway, the couple was receptive to us.  They smiled and said hello.  I tried to take a peek at their son, but it was difficult to see because he was wrapped very warmly in an infant seat.  From what I could see, he was smaller than Kyleigh.  We learned that he was released just 4 days after she was.  I asked how he was doing.  His mother was very guarded.  “He’s doing well.  He will be a year old next month.” She said, somewhat cautiously.  She remarked on how big Kyleigh had gotten, and I remarked that she was 8 months now and also doing well.

Eddie talked a bit with her husband, and we learned that they raised thousands for the March of Dimes.  Thousands.  Again, I was upset at the fact that we were poor, and had poor friends.

The couple went on their way, along with their group, and didn’t give us a second look.

I looked at Eddie and wondered aloud if they thought we were psycho for going up to them, because I found it to be uncomfortable.  Eddie answered “I don’t know.”

Will we do the walk next year?  Yes.  But we will raise more money and support.

And maybe next year, we will feel less like outsiders.

Raindrops Keep Falling and Falling and Falling On Our Heads....

Lately, we just can't seem to catch a break. We have mountains of bills. Everytime we seem to be caught up, something else happens. I know that it is pretty much everyone's complaint. But it never seems to end for us. Ever.
We owe our landlord money. We owe both of our parents money. We can't afford the heat where we live- lucky us, it's oil. Our cable was shut off today; next are the phones. We are behind in electric; I have a ticket I needed to pay. Last night we realized the car is going- probably needs a new transmission. DH is online, searching for a car we can't afford. It just never ends, never. I know there are probably worse people off than us, but we are not too far ourselves. My MIL was yelling at us a couple of weeks ago - " Why cant you two get ahead?" We wish we knew the answer to that. All I can say right now is we need a miracle.

Resolutions That I Do Not Make

I've come to the conclusion that reading blogs and writing one's blog is truly a full time job. I wanted to start writing a blog because I love to write, and I am told that I am quite good at it.  I am hoping that once I get a little used to balancing time between being a mother and working full time that maybe I can write on a more consistent basis. I'm not making any promises, of course.  Oh, will there ever be a time where I will be able to strike a balance?
I never make resolutions.  I learned a long time ago that they cannot always be kept in a realistic manner, and why set one's self up for disappointment?  However, in the coming year, there are some things I would like to improve:
~ I would like to get our family's finances in order.  I think many families have this wish; but after the last year I've had, I realized how much more important this is.  I wanted to be much more financially well off when I had the baby; I used to make pretty decent money.  However, a lay off and some irresponsible spending habits led to a big financial mess.  My husband blames himself for this; but in reality he is only a small part of the issue.  It was all my baggage. It's funny- I have gone backwards from where I thought I would.  I thought I would struggle, struggle, struggle before getting married and having a baby- but I did well first and then struggled the first year of my marriage and child.  I feel like a 20 something sometimes.  I do know a lot of people are in the same boat. If the US government refuses to call this a depression, then they are delusional.  I haven't met one person who was not affected by all of this.

~ I would like to continue to have good relationships with my two stepdaughters.  They are sweet girls and they have been through a lot.  I have to remember my patience sometimes, as I deal with kids all day and it can be difficult to go through it on weekends.  I am lucky to have 2 who are fairly accepting of me.  It's hard for me to bite my tongue when it comes to their mothers, however.  One is a controlling, cold witch..and the other is a cold, selfish witch...but hey.  I feel sorry for them both.  Of course, at the end of the day, it is about the girls.

~ I would like to continue being a good mother.  Am I mother of the year?  Probably not.  But I am fully invested in Kyleigh's life.  I want her to have the best of everything; I want her to have drive and ambition.  Since she is a preemie, I want her to succeed and hopefully not have the learning issues that preemies are known to have.  I know I can't stop any of that; but I will make sure she has every opportunity and service available.  Too many children waste away until it's really too late to help.  I know because I see this every day.  I don't want that for Kyleigh.

~ I would like to continue to have a good marriage with my husband.  Is it perfect?  No.  But we try.  And we try to keep in mind that the ultimate goal is having a great, cohesive family.  He's come with a lot of baggage, and I also.  He has a habit of lying which I also despise.  I am hoping he will work on this.  He has improved a lot.  I have been clear with him that these things are important to me.
I will also try not to put a lot of stock in what his witch exes say.  Yes, I'm sure there is truth to some.  I won't discount that; marriages fail for reasons that are not just about one person.  I will just keep in mind that some of the things they say are for their own benefit.  For example, his fat ass ex in KY is always spouting off about what a lousy father he is, etc, and blasts him on all open lines of communication available (i.e. facebook).  I realized this Christmas, when her daughter came to stay with us, what a sad life this woman has.  Her husband is a loser, and she's not the greatest mother.  No wonder why she has to bash my husband online. Her lies have become her reality.
Ok, enough about that.

~I will plan our wedding reception this year.  Somehow, some way. I want to have the wedding I always wanted.  I'm hoping it will become a reality.

~And lastly, I would like to put a bit more into my job when I can.  It's taken a backseat this year. It's a job I enjoy, so I would like to be more into it than I have been.

And there you have it....resolutions I do not make.

It's Been Awhile...

I would like to apologize to all of the causes I promised to blog for on bloggersunite.org.  My intentions were good, really.  However, I went back to work on Nov. 29.  Balancing full time work and an infant has proven challenging.  I will do my best to continue blogging for causes.