Being Judgmental, Turning Over A New Leaf

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I can't promise I'll improve, but I'll try.  One day at a time,right?
I read an article the other day about judgmental moms. It stuck out to me, because I remember being that way to other moms,  BEFORE I was even a mom. I realized that I have ALWAYS been this way. It really got me thinking. I know I've lost friends over the years because I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.  I've had friends afraid to tell me important milestones in their lives, just because they were afraid of what I'd say. Whenever I heard that, it would make me sad.  I never meant for people to feel that way about me.  I sure know that I'm not perfect, and I've definitely made my share mistakes.  Many, in fact.  A lot of the reason I'm doing poorly today is my own fault. I
guess, though, that I always have be to be right. Even if it isn't about me.
I cringe when i think of some of the things I've said.  I sure had no right to say them.  I can remember an argument I had with a pregnant friend, well before I had my own daughter. I told that friend she was stupid for having a video monitor. I just didn't see the point. My sister had used the regular one with my nephew and it worked just fine. Why spend money on video, was my reasoning. I remember saying to her:
"What are you going to do? Watch the baby sleep all night on TV?"  She rightfully put me in my place, though I didn't agree at the time. Still, what business was of mine? When I read the article, it all came flooding back to me. I had tons of opinions on raising a child; but what gave me the right to express it?
That friend and I are no longer friends. We were fine after that day; it just ended up being a few of the relationships I lost during the year that I got married and had my daughter. Perhaps those friends had their opinions, and just were afraid to express them to me.    
More than likely, my opinions on THEIR lives is probably what drove them away. I'm really sorry for that.
Over the last couple of years, I've tried to be better about that. I try not to give advice unless asked, or unless someone is in desperate need. I sure don't hand out parenting advice unless asked.  I guess I learned how to be humble there.
Do I still have opinions? Damn right I do;  ask my husband. I still express them, but I try to think before I do. This blog isn't called "A View From My Soapbox" for nothing. But, I am trying be a better person. Not just for myself; but for my daughter as well.  I'm trying to be a better friend; a better listener.
So, when you see me around, and want to know what I think, I'll be glad to tell you.
You just have to ask first. ;)

2012 March For Babies

I think every year that we do this walk, I'll feel more comfortable and figure things out.  I really wished we had the money to make the t-shirts.  Next year, I'm going to start the fundraising even earlier.  We at least were just a little short of my goal. Last year, we were way below.  I guess it's a learning experience, right?
When I did this walk yesterday, I couldn't help but feel blessed about having Kyleigh.  We were really, really fortunate.  I often lose sight of that, because she is so challenging sometimes.  She is going through the terrible twos, and she can be really tough to deal with.  I'm happy, however, that she so far has turned out to be a "normally" developing kid.  Her doctor said last month that she has finally caught up with her peers and is starting to make her own mark on the growth chart.  It was music to my ears.  We may face challenges when she goes to school, as they say that preemies tend to have learning difficulties.  But, we will take that if it comes.
I saw a lot of former preemies there.  Some were the same age as Kyleigh and were doing as well by the looks of it.  I was touched by reading all of the little signs along the walk.  I noticed, though, that many of them were of preemies who had challenges.  (I'm going to look into that next year, to see if that's true.  I think they should include ones who haven't faced challenges, too).
We spotted Kyleigh's former neighbor in the NICU this year.  This time, we didn't go up to the family, as they seemed to resent our intrusion.  We tried to see him, but he was all bundled up.  He is only a few months older than Kyleigh, so we were curious to see him.  We did spot a sign with his info on it.  Later in the morning, we saw him.  He was all bundled up, but he looked very small and frail.  I felt for those parents, though I'm sure they wouldn't want our pity.  I just kept thinking how fortunate we were.  It could have easily been Kyleigh.
Her journey, though miraculous, was pretty flawless.  We didn't have many concerns, except feeding.  There was never any time the doctors told us she wouldn't make it, or it was touch and go.  In that respect, I almost feel like we really don't belong there; as if we are mocking those with challenges.
So big deal, she was 4 lbs, 4 oz.  Big deal, she spent 20 days in the NICU.  I guess, however, she was there for a reason. And, I know if it hadn't been for M.O.D, she may not be here today.
We celebrate Kyleigh, for who she is, and where she will go.  We are blessed.
I'm looking forward to next year, to continue to give back to an organization that gave so much to us.

Well, I Guess I Haven't Blogged As Much As I Said I Would...

It's hard to find the time.  I have too many commitments, it seems, spread out everywhere.  I'm taking a class, which is finished in 3 weeks thank goodness.  Our car is gone, Kyleigh is going through terrible twos, and I am impossibly busy at work now.  I haven't had much time to think of myself or my life, or anything.  I'm not really sure who I am anymore, to be honest.  I'm hoping things will slow down....well, I've been hoping that for awhile.  Let's hope it really does, and soon.

Pregnancy/Infant Loss Rembrance Day

It is another cause, besides preemie awareness, that is close to my heart. It takes a back burner now, I guess because I now have Kyleigh. It's hard to think of pain when I have all this joy of Kyleigh. Why, I wouldn't have her if it weren't for the loss that I had. It's hard for me to imagine being the mother of any child besides Kyleigh. But once, I was.
I was just 8 weeks along, but it felt like an eternity. There was nothing anyone could say to ease the pain of that loss. It was devastating. I felt like a failure for a long time.
It didn't help matters that the guy I was with at the time was more interested in hooking up with his childhood friend (not me this time) to truly be there and understand my loss. It was supposed to be "our" loss, but it never felt that way.
He accused me of being different after the loss. Well how else should I have been? Of course I was different! I was supposed to be a mother, and I was robbed of that opportunity.
I went to a couple of great support group meetings and met some great people. People who were like me. Some who had miscarriages, but others who had lost an infant. It defintely made me think of them last year, when I had my own infant. How scary it was, and still is, to think of her being taken from me.
I felt guilty for awhile, because sometimes when the loss comes back to me, I say " Oh well, you have Kyleigh now." Its always hard to think of being someone else's mom.
Time has definitely taken away the sting of this; but never the sadness of the loss. On Oct 19, (my due date) I would have had a 2 year old. I never forget. In mid March of every year since 2009, I never forget either.
So, please take the time to think of those who have lost an infant or pregnancy today.

Small Things Mean So Much With A Preemie

Yes, I keep harping on the preemie bandwagon.  Some have said to me "Oh come on, she really wasn't that early..." or "In my day, everyone was a preemie..."
To me, it is important.  No one lived through MY experience, not even my husband.
No one knows what it's like for me to replay the whole experience over in my head; to cry when I see other preemies; to shiver when I pass the hospital on the highway.
No one knows how much I felt robbed of much of the pregnancy experience.  Even small things, like making it to 39 weeks or having had my baby in the room with me.  I didn't get any of that.  It wasn't fair.
It was even difficult to me for a very long time to accept that Kyleigh would have a summer birthday, and not the fall birthday I always envisioned.
Today, however, I would like to take the time to write about the smaller things with Kyleigh, and how grateful I am that she continues to meet every milestone like she was supposed to be born August 25 and not October 13.
I am proud of her.
She has done so well at school.  She  is very sociable and happy.  She laughs and babbles non stop.  She sees her friends crawl, then stand, and she is doing the same.
Everyone comments what a great baby she is, and she really is.  She cries when she is hungry or tired, but dammit- so do I.
Every time she reaches a month birthday or gains weight, I rejoice.  Usually on facebook.  I'm very sure there are plenty of people tired about that, but then maybe I am tired of the stuff they post.
I am going to try to blog more often, and maybe save this rejoicing stuff for here.
Kyleigh, you're the best, and I am proud of you.  <3

Our Walk for Preemies on April 30...

We walked for the March of Dimes almost 2 months ago.  It was quite a walk.  It sure put me and Eddie to the test physically.  We could not be any more out of shape than we are right now.  In the past, I’ve been able to walk 5k without difficulty.  Ever since having Kyleigh, however, I have knee and heel problems.

The after effects of the walk were worth it, however.

I wished we had raised more money. I won’t list what I raised here, because it is quite embarrassing.  I heard what other people raised, and our contribution pales in comparison.  I suppose any little bit helps.

That, and the fact that we have friends as poor as we are.  L

It was really interesting reading all of the signs that were posted along the walk.  Some babies born so early and some later than Kyleigh.  Some of the babies were born at the same length of gestation as Kyleigh (33 weeks).  It also amazed me to see some of the birth defects that the babies had.   It especially hit home when I saw the babies with birth defects who were born at 33 weeks gestation.

I’ve often thought that Kyleigh being born 7 weeks early was really no big deal compared to some of those babies.  I also feel at times that I really don’t have a right to be upset, compared to the babies who were born at 30 weeks and under.  But then I remind myself that Kyleigh did spend 20 days in the NICU.  And that we faced just as much an uphill battle with the issues that Kyleigh did have.  I spent 8-9 hours a day, for almost 20 days, at Kyleigh’s bedside.  It seemed to fly by, like a blip on the radar.

We really were fortunate that Kyleigh was so strong during her time in the NICU.  Her feeding was really difficult initially, but we got through it. She has reached pretty much every milestone right on time thus far.  She hasn’t had any Early Intervention; in fact, they saw nothing wrong with her at 2 months old.  As her doctor says “I don’t treat Kyleigh as a preemie because she doesn’t behave as one.”

Of course, there is no telling what kind of effects there will be later.  A lot of preemies have learning disabilities and higher incidences of ADHD.  Only time will tell.  But, at least with my background as an educator, we will catch things quickly.

During our brief stay in the NICU, we really didn’t bond with many people.  Most people stayed in their rooms and kept to themselves.  We did have good relationships with the nurses.  I always felt, however, like an outsider, since Kyleigh was doing well and was facing a much briefer stay than others.  We did get friendly with our neighbors across the hall.  Eddie was friendlier with them than I; the wife always seemed very guarded.  I just attributed it to the stress that we were all under.

Their son had been a micro preemie- born 3 months or so before his due date.  He had already spent over 3 months there.  He had a setback before Kyleigh was released.  He had an intestinal issue and needed to stay.  They were really upset, and understandably so.  We tried to be quiet and considerate the day that Kyleigh was released, but it was hard to keep from being excited.

On the walk, we saw this couple.  We thought it would be a great idea to say hi.  I’d always wondered how they were doing; and regretted not keeping in touch.  They had a team of maybe 12-15 to support them.  It was a little disappointing to me that we did not; almost heart breaking.  Kyleigh had been through a lot too, and I considered it disrespectful that my family/friends did not see that.

Anyway, the couple was receptive to us.  They smiled and said hello.  I tried to take a peek at their son, but it was difficult to see because he was wrapped very warmly in an infant seat.  From what I could see, he was smaller than Kyleigh.  We learned that he was released just 4 days after she was.  I asked how he was doing.  His mother was very guarded.  “He’s doing well.  He will be a year old next month.” She said, somewhat cautiously.  She remarked on how big Kyleigh had gotten, and I remarked that she was 8 months now and also doing well.

Eddie talked a bit with her husband, and we learned that they raised thousands for the March of Dimes.  Thousands.  Again, I was upset at the fact that we were poor, and had poor friends.

The couple went on their way, along with their group, and didn’t give us a second look.

I looked at Eddie and wondered aloud if they thought we were psycho for going up to them, because I found it to be uncomfortable.  Eddie answered “I don’t know.”

Will we do the walk next year?  Yes.  But we will raise more money and support.

And maybe next year, we will feel less like outsiders.

Raindrops Keep Falling and Falling and Falling On Our Heads....

Lately, we just can't seem to catch a break. We have mountains of bills. Everytime we seem to be caught up, something else happens. I know that it is pretty much everyone's complaint. But it never seems to end for us. Ever.
We owe our landlord money. We owe both of our parents money. We can't afford the heat where we live- lucky us, it's oil. Our cable was shut off today; next are the phones. We are behind in electric; I have a ticket I needed to pay. Last night we realized the car is going- probably needs a new transmission. DH is online, searching for a car we can't afford. It just never ends, never. I know there are probably worse people off than us, but we are not too far ourselves. My MIL was yelling at us a couple of weeks ago - " Why cant you two get ahead?" We wish we knew the answer to that. All I can say right now is we need a miracle.